In my recent days passed, God has truly been revealing himself to me and through me. My prayers have dwindled, but when I say He’s here with me more now than ever; I literally feel Him peeling and pulling away at me and my heart (circumcising my heart)…and to be honest it’s beautiful. He’s shown me the woman who I am, beneath the guard. You see, I had (sometimes have) a guard that screams stay away from me; you cannot go any further, if you do, you may not like what you find. I made myself unapproachable on purpose!
In all honesty, I had been scared to let the guard down, even with Jesus! Why? Because I didn’t know who was underneath there. I hadn’t met this woman. She’s a stranger to me; fun, bubbly, loving (wants to be loved), gentle, kind, funny, cries through good and bad times and longs for all that God has for her life. Now, if I didn’t know who this woman was and what she’s capable of…how could I let anyone else in and expect them to understand? That would mean new territory, vulnerability, openness; being stretched out of my comfort zone…the list could go on. But one thing I can tell you is that it put the fear of God in to me to open up again. To put myself out there…but I so badly wanted to be free to love! Be free to love and be loved; for & through every mistake, every bad mood, every bad day, whether up or down. That to me means so much; more beyond any of the material things in this world. But God showed me that in order to do this, I had to become honest with myself and with Him.
You see in God’s word (1 John 4:18) it says ‘…perfect love casts out fear’. It’s important to remember that we cannot know love until we know the author & creator of Love. We cannot know that Love casts out fear until we are able to let God love us beyond our fears. When created, God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of peace, love & a sound mind.
Now the process that followed was definitely unique! I was sat sharing my testimony with a colleague; I mean completely and honestly sharing my testimony! Not holding anything back. And I literally felt the last layer of hurt from my past remove itself from my heart…I felt the Holy Spirit move in my heart and with that I said goodbye to that emotional turmoil. I said goodbye to the woman that was… I finally said Hello to ‘Me’.
I’ve begun to understand the sort of woman that I am beyond the guard; the woman that I was originally created to be (before this world got a hold of me). When I love, I love hard! I mean deep…once I’m in something I’m in it for the long run, long term…heyyy…I’m in it for eternity. I’m either all in or not in at all; and that scares me again too. It requires to love without abandon; to love like I’ve never been hurt…and I have been which makes it even harder to comprehend.
The guard goes up so that soul hurt, the pain that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, never has to return. But I think we forget sometimes; that with God life happens; he doesn’t stop life happening to us but He IS faithful to help us through life, after all ‘He is close to the broken-hearted’.
Don’t be afraid of who you are under that guard! In fact, ask The Lord to take the guard off…He longs for you to see the woman who He created…I promise you you won’t regret it <3
Love EML xx