I walk with a limp. Funnily enough, it’s been with me for as long as I remember and it’s become a normal part of my life. Walking with a limp means I lean more on one side then I do another. I have no physical aids to help me with this limp; I’ve learnt to walk with this limp without the aids – in fact it doesn’t need physical aids. I’ve perfected walking perfectly. But could you imagine if it did? If I walked with physical crutches, or a physical stick? I guarantee you, those surrounding me would ask ‘What happened?’ ‘How can we help you?’ ‘We will pray for you’ etc.
It’s not a limp that can be viewed by the physical eyes. For those reading this who know me, know that I walk perfectly fine. I have no physical limp. My limp is spiritual. This ‘limp’ has no physical crutches, but my crutches show up in fear, anxiety, worry and even leaning towards physical things i.e. food for comfort, when this limp causes pain.
My ‘limp’ is mental health. Now before you get scared and move onto something else, mental health is a large umbrella under which many illnesses can be placed. I fall into the category of depression & anxiety. It’s something I have battled, or wrestled with for so long. It’s not visible to the physical eye, but oh what a inner fight it can be. I mean, I’m Christian right? Holy Ghost filled, baptised in water and the blood of Jesus. Surely, it cannot be my portion? Surely I’m not claiming it over my life? NO. It’s not WHO I AM. Would you say to a diabetic that diabetes is who they are? No. Depression, anxiety, diabetes (along with all other illnesses) are all illnesses which can be monitored and taken care of through lifestyle.
Now I’ve tried EVERYTHING. Hands laid, sown seeds, prayer & anointing oil and nothing was breaking this. And now I know why. The Lord led me back to the room of my therapist where I sat so long ago as a 21 year old, when I would barely leave my house and not go to my lectures. He led me back, to take me forward. What a BLOW to the pride of a woman who preaches, teaches, has a great career in the banking industry, earns a good salary and who follows Christ with all she has. ALERT: NONE OF THESE THINGS MAKE YOU EXEMPT FROM LIFE AND THE ISSUES THAT COME WITH IT. NO MATTER HOW PERFECT YOU WISH TO APPEAR TO THE WORLD.
It’s funny actually, because the support from my family & friends has been amazing. Those who God has led me to share with; they’re love and friendship has been absolutely priceless during this storm. They’ve prayed with me, cried with me but most importantly always viewed me as Elisha. Never the one with depression, but Elisha. Their friend, sister and we’ve continued to laugh and cry. They’ve allowed God to work through them and show me His heart. The Father’s heart. One full of compassion, who weeps when I weep. He delights when I laugh, who hurts when I hurt. They’ve not shunned me, but encouraged me. Treated me no differently. Not put any fear into me re. ‘the consequences of this weakness’ (yes, I’ve been told that) and I thank God for them each and everyday.
The favour of God has been at my workplace, where I have a very compassionate manager who allows me to leave an hour early one day a week so that I can attend my appointments. He treats me no differently and still loads me down with as much work as before. You see, NOTHING has changed and it really doesn’t have too. The enemy has tried so hard to tell me that it’s because I’m not spiritual enough, prayed enough, fasted enough, sown enough or WHATEVER ENOUGH. It has nothing to do with that. This is MY LIMP; the weakness in which I can boast in because I’ve seen the LOVE of Christ like never before as I study His word & the support He’s surrounded me with. I’ve had fears of how this can affect my future, future spouse etc. and then I remember that The Lord delights in me. I am a ROYAL CROWN in His hands and even more so, He loves me with an everlasting love. He knows me, every last bit about me and whoever He has for me, we will be imperfectly perfect. He’s my husband first and foremost & in Him I am fully loved & accepted, weaknesses and all.
And most importantly when at those appointments the Holy Spirit speaks. I was anxious to attend them as they can be deemed as ‘secular’ counselling, but The Holy Spirit shows up at every appointment and reminds me of His word throughout the sessions. Even to the point where my therapist is willing for us to look at ‘What would Jesus say?’ You see, God can really work all things together for the good of them that LOVE Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). I’m believing God to truly turn this ‘mess’ into His message, this test into HIS testimony. (Who knows, it could even sow seeds in the heart of my therapist – I truly pray so). I’m learning along the way that there’s beauty in my brokenness. That I really do not need to have it all together. After all, Jesus came for those in need of a Dr.
I write this all with a heart that cries for you, that sister (or brother) there’s nothing wrong with your weaknesses. The promises of God are for whosoever will. Let’s take off our masks and be real with God, ourselves and others, for that’s where true freedom in Christ is found.
When we read the stories of Jacob where he wrestled with the angel until daybreak and the angel ‘touched’ his hip, we forget that in His greatest wrestle with God, yes the blessings came, BUT he would have had to have walked with a limp (for the rest of his life I assume). And Paul, one of the greatest apostles whoever lived, prayed THREE times for the Lord to remove the thorn from his flesh and the Lord responded ‘My grace IS SUFFICIENT for thee, for MY STRENGTH IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS’ (2 Corinthians 12:9). Walking with a limp or thorn in the Kingdom should not be viewed as an issue, but should be viewed as someone who has met with or totally dependent on God.
I can finally say I feel free and do not fear the future. For I can laugh without fear of the future (Proverbs 31:25) and trust that God will and CAN do exceedingly and abundantly above all I can ask or think ACCORDING TO HIS POWER AT WORK WITHIN me (Ephesians 3:20).
Love EML xx